Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice came out in Japan today. Since I had nothing better to do (and since I apparently also make awful life decisions), I went to see it in the theater against my better judgment.

Note to self: Never doubt your instincts again.

To call this movie bad is an insult to bad movies everywhere. It’s awful on just about every conceivable level—probably even hits a few heretofore undiscovered levels of terrible.

In case you haven’t realized yet, this review is going to be filled with spoilers. So if you don’t want to know what happens, best to bookmark this review and come back after you’ve seen the film.

Everything leading up to this movie suggested that it was all going to be about Batman coming out of Metropolis and putting his foot up Superman’s ass to show him that a hero needs to be more careful, especially one as powerful as Superman.

But that’s not really what happens. Because you see, this Batman doesn’t really have a leg to stand on with the whole criticism of killing people. Remember how Christian Bale’s Bruce Wayne refused to kill in Batman Begins? Ducard told him that his compassion is a trait his enemies won’t share and Bruce said that’s why it’s so important.

This Batman? No, he doesn’t give a shit about killing. He regularly steals guns off criminals and pops them himself. He fires round after round from giant-ass Gatling guns on the Batmobile. He even fucking brands criminals by searing his symbol into their goddamn flesh.

No, you’re not imagining things. And don’t bother checking the date, today’s not April 1st. This actually fucking happens in the movie. Snyder’s Batman disfigures criminals for absolutely no stated reason, except seemingly out of some perverse pleasure.

And remember how Snyder said that the whole point of Zod’s death in Man of Steel was so that he could learn his no-killing rule? For a moment, let’s put aside how fucking ridiculous that sounds, because any decent person wouldn’t need to kill someone in order to learn, “oh hey, this is probably a pretty shitty thing to do.” But yeah, Superman still doesn’t give a shit about killing people. When we first see him in this movie, he breaks into a terrorist compound in Africa where Lois is being held prisoner. The terrorist leader has a gun to Lois’ head.

Now remember—Superman has superhuman speed, super breath, and heat vision. And this is a human terrorist with a gun he’s facing off against. Superman can use his breath to blow Lois and the terrorist against the wall, disarming him and giving Supes the chance to get the drop on him. He could use his heat vision to heat up the metal so that it burns the guy’s hand and he has to drop the gun. He could use super-speed to snatch Lois away or grab the gun or grab the guy.

So what does he do instead? Using superhuman speed and strength, he slams the guy through several fucking layers of stone walls! Not only is that a bit excessive, but it’s totally unnecessary.

Lex Luthor basically drives most of the plot. He’s discovered kryptonite and has a big chunk of it he wants to get into the US. He also has access to the body of General Zod and he’s researching metahumans, saying that other people like Superman exist.

Clark Kent is now working at the Daily Planet and he’s really concerned about the Batman in Gotham, seeing as how he’s violating civil rights and brutalizing criminals.

So let’s get this ideological divide straight here. Bruce is pissed because Superman kills without mercy and causes widespread destruction even though Batman does the same fucking thing. And Clark is pissed because Batman violates civil rights and brutalizes thugs even though he fucking slams them through walls.

Why are these two at odds again?

And Lex Luthor is manipulating them both against each other. There’s a Congressional hearing into Superman and Superman goes to testify, Lex meanwhile has given Wally, a Wayne employee who lost his legs in the Metropolis battle, a shiny new wheelchair. At the hearing, the chair explodes and people suspect Superman was involved somehow.

Bruce has been getting the checks he sent Wally returned to him with notes about how he let his family die. And Bruce Wayne, master detective he’s supposed to be, still holds Superman responsible for all this. He steals the kryptonite from Lex and uses it to make some anti-Superman weapons, then goes to Gotham and lights up the bat signal.

Lex kidnaps Lois and throws her off a building, where she’s quickly rescued. Superman confronts Lex and Lex reveals that he’s captured Superman’s mother, Martha. He tells Superman either kill Batman or Martha dies. See, Lex wants to kill Superman because when he as a kid, his dad beat him. So this made Lex realize that gods are either all-powerful and evil or they’re good and powerless. And he wants Superman to fit into this dichotomy. And yes, that is the actual fucking reason Lex is doing all this shit.

Oh, did I mention that Lex was the one sending those notes to Bruce over the past eighteen months since the attack on Metropolis? Meaning he knows who both Batman AND Superman really are. How does he know this? Your guess is as good as mine because it’s never fucking revealed.

Oh and Lex has taken Zod to his old ship and the regeneration chamber. He’s mixed his blood with Zod’s to create something new. How does this work? Who the hell knows. But he does this to take care of Superman after Batman’s dealt with.

Superman goes to Batman and is about to tell him what’s really going on. But Batman just goes, “FUCK THAT LET’S FITE!” and then the “battle of the century” is on. As far as fight scenes go, it’s really fucking dull. It’s too dark to see anything and even though Superman has many chances during the fight to hold Batman still and explain things, he never takes those chances.

Batman eventually gets the upper hand thanks to the kryptonite weapons, including a spear, and he’s about to kill him. Superman says that if he does, they’ll kill Martha. Now Batman’s confused because Martha was his mother’s name and Lois turns up in the nick of time to explain that it’s also the name of Clark’s mother.

This makes him decide to listen. Nothing else but just hearing his mother’s goddamn name makes him decide to listen. And just like that, they’re on the same side again.

Zod regenerates now as Doomsday and goes off on a rampage. Superman goes to deal with him while Batman goes to rescue Martha.

Oh yeah, and Wonder Woman is involved, too. In her guise as Diana Prince, she appears twice looking for something Lex has. Bruce downloads the data from Lex’s computer and finds a picture of Diana in the Wonder Woman armor dated 1918. He also finds surveillance footage of the Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman. Oh yeah, and the Flash appears to him briefly in a dream that Bruce then promptly forgets about and never mentions again.

Anyway, seeing Doomsday on TV, Wonder Woman goes to join the fight with Batman and Superman. And Wonder Woman’s battle scene against Doomsday is really the best part of the movie. Seriously, just stand outside for the first two hours, go in to see this scene, and then go out right after that.

Because at this point Superman dies. And it is the dumbest fucking death sequence ever. He takes the kryptonite spear and flies it into Doomsday. And since the kryptonite makes him vulnerable, Doomstay stabs Superman in the chest with his bone protrusions. You know, even though there’s a fucking ageless Amazon right there who isn’t vulnerable to kryptonite and could have easily used the spear too! 

We then get a bunch of mopey scenes about Superman being dead and Bruce and Diana meet at Clark’s grave. Bruce says they have to gather the rest of the metahumans because he has a feeling they’ll have to fight. And then we get one final shot of Superman’s grave and see the fresh dirt flying up, signaling that he’ll come back to life.

Which we already fucking know! We know Superman’s going to be in the Justice League movie. So not only is this death poorly executed, it serves absolutely zero narrative function. It’s just there for the sake of being there. Wonder Woman’s presence in this movie is just her being there for the sake of being there. Same with the scenes of the other Justice Leaguers.

There are a few bright spots in the movie. Gal Gadot, despite being completely unnecessary to the plot, does a great job as Wonder Woman. Ben Affleck, when he isn’t murdering or disfiguring criminals, actually does a pretty good Batman. And Jeremy Irons walks away with the acting credits as Alfred.

But Henry Cavill still has the charisma of wet cardboard. He’s utterly charmless in these movies. There’s no attempt to differentiate his portrayal of Superman from his portrayal of Clark. He never fucking smiles. There’s no sense of the warmth or caring that Superman should exhibit.

And his chemistry with Amy Adams might as well not even exist. Every scene these two share together, it makes you wonder just what the hell they see in each other. You get no sense of any real connection between them. They’re only together because the script says they have to be together.

It’s the same with the Batman/Superman ideological divide. We’re told it’s there, but we’re never shown what it is. Because these are both grimdark sociopaths who resort to brutal violence to solve their problems.

And Jesse Eisenberg. Holy shit, who the fuck thought this would be a good idea for Lex Luthor? It can be a little hard to watch Gene Hackman and Kevin Spacey’s over-the-top portrayals of Lex in Superman: The Movie and Superman Returns. But Eisenberg out-camps both of them combined. It’s like he prepared for this role by watching Jim Carrey’s performance as the Riddler in Batman Forever. Just so terrible.

Seriously, what the fuck happened to Zack Snyder to make him think that every hero should be a sadistic, nihilistic, cynical sociopath? This goes beyond Frank Miller’s take on Batman and Superman. As dark as The Dark Knight Returns was, there was still hope in it. Superman still cared for Batman and saw him as an equal and wanted to do the right thing. Batman still fought for justice and had a code against killing.

But this? This is just disgusting. Back in 1992, there was massive backlash from parents to Batman Returns because it was considered to be far too violent and inappropriate for children. I really, really, really hope we see a similar backlash to Batman v. Superman. Because this is not what Superman or Batman should be.

As a comparison, I want to draw your attention to this: An Open Letter To Supergirl Stars Melissa Benoist and Chyler Leigh, From an Adoptive Mom. Carrie Goldman, the woman who wrote this, talks about how her adoptive daughter is so inspired by Benoist’s portrayal of Supergirl to be a decent person and do the right thing. Read that letter. Not only is it supremely touching, but it also illustrates the huge philosophical problem with DC’s movie division.

Can you imagine someone writing a letter like that to Zack Snyder, Henry Cavill, or Ben Affleck? I sure as hell can’t. Not unless they’re writing in to talk about how they were inspired by Superman to slam someone’s head through a wall. Or how Batman inspired them to burn their name into someone’s flesh.

Think about this: Superman was created in 1938 by two poor Jewish creators. This was during the Great Depression and the rise of fascism and anti-Semitism. Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster created Superman as an escape. They created him so they’d have a hero they could look up to, a symbol that could give them hope. The character has been so inspirational in fact that in the 1940s, The Adventures of Superman radio serial took down the Ku Klux Klan. Remember, this was in 1946, so we’re talking pre-Civil Rights Movement when racism was considered normal. And the power and inspiration of Superman managed to marginalize the KKK to the point where their rapid expansion stopped dead in its tracks and long-time members resigned.

Superman is supposed to be a symbol of hope. Whenever I watch Superman: The Movie, I always have a smile on my face during the closing credits. But after watching Man of Steel and now Batman v. Superman, all I feel is exhausted and that I need a drink.

Right now, I’m going to go watch The Batman/Superman Movie: World’s Finest. Because that’s actually a movie that explored the differences between the two characters, made sense, and didn’t make me want to drink myself into a coma afterwards.